Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Quitting On Smoking

I quit smoking yesterday.

I guess I should really just say that I stopped smoking as of yesterday. A guy like me won’t be able to say I quit until I’m dead. And then it would have to be other people saying it for me.

I can't say I gave up smoking. Smoking is easy - so I can't give up on something easy. But I might give up on quitting - because contrary to popular motivational speakers - quitting is actually hard.

And I'm no quitter.

So I stopped smoking yesterday.

It’s driving me nuts. It’s only been twenty four hours.

No, I am not using the gum – nor am I on any patch – and no pills either.

It’s hard enough to quit smoking, I don’t need next to worry about quitting gum, patches or pills.

Cold turkey.

I’m trying so hard not to think about it that I thought I better sit down and write about it.

It’s lunch time at the office, and this is when I usually go down stairs for a smoke.

Now I have no place to go, no reason to go.

If you’ve read headstuffing before, you will know that I do very much enjoy the act of smoking.

And after many years of analyzing how I could possibly quit smoking, it has become clear and evident that there is only one solution man has not yet attempted.

The act of quitting smoking has to be enjoyable.

In fact, the alternative to smoking has to be more enjoyable than smoking!

Some people eat. I don’t really eat out of boredom. It’s not more enjoyable than smoking.

There’s only one thing more enjoyable than smoking, and I’m not having any of that here at work – no matter how over-creative my lovely wife Darlene’s imagination is.

But it left me thinking. If quitting smoking is hard – and I’m here to tell you it’s one of the toughest things in life to quit – then I could only imagine these people who are sex addicts must just sit in a fetal position and cry for six months when they supposedly quit.

See – that’s just the thing. Sex addicts don’t actually quit having sex. They just likely try to tone it down a bit. Probably ease off the leathers and perhaps move the occasion indoors for a while.

But you do actually have to completely quit smoking.

Have you ever met the person who says “I only smoke on Fridays nights when I have a couple of beers?

Yeah, right. Liars.

I can quit anytime I want to”, replies the non-smoking smokeless smoker.

You realize that to quit means you can never smoke again?” I reply to the liar.

But why should I stop forever if I can quit anytime?”, they retort. This line of logic is also likely the same line used by sex addicts.

The biggest obstacle to overcome is to defeat that never ending pounding driving want that wells up in your lungs craving what it’s missing and the nervous angst of not being able to satisfy that desire.

Your fingers twitch. So you do your hands, arms, up to your shoulder, up your neck and into your eyelid – where a cramp forms in your eyelid as though you're arm-wrestling Sylvester Stallone with your eyelid and you are losing badly because he is arm-wrestling your eyelid with his arm.

It’s just like that.

And sometimes – in these early stages – all levels of concentration are overcome by a simple buzz that erupts between your ears – the buzz, I believe, is actually the combined firing of every nerve in your body and brain saying “GIVE ME A SMOKE!”

To combat that buzzing in the ears, you can only sit there and pray that it goes away – if you just stop moving your eyeballs for just a moment or so – it should be fine.

Yes, I agree.

Smoking is bad for me. And it makes me stink. And it makes my mouth taste bad. And it costs an awful lot of money I could put to better use than to simply light it on fire and breathe in the fumes.

I know. I am not arguing.

But I’m sure gonna miss it.

I just hope I can survive it!

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