Wednesday, July 15, 2009

My Not-So-Deep-Thoughts of a Summer Vacation Morning

As I sit here this beautiful summer morning by the pool, with my black lab Suzy sitting at my feet, I couldn't help but let my mind wander. And it occurred to me that at the age of forty seven, there are so many things about life that I still do not know the answer to. Because I am on vacation today – and my wife is out and about (as we Canadians say), I found myself with the luxury to write some of these questions – and a few observations – down.

These are my own not-so-deep thoughts of a summer vacation morning:

"How is it that a Mom's work is never done, but Dad's Honey-do list has no last page?"

"How come every kid in North America plays or has played soccer over the last thirty years, yet they keep telling me the game will never catch on over here?"

"If Darwinism is a scientific basis for natural evolution and based on the principles of survival of the fittest, then why are kittens so damned cute?"

"How is it possible for a child to move the entire contents of their bedroom into the living room in a matter of minutes, but it takes me an hour to put them back?"

"If we tell our kids that 'no' means no, then why do we answer their unreasonable requests with .. 'We'll see'"

"How come Dads always have to use the downstairs bathroom?"

"How is it that a Mom's work is never done, but Dad gets up at 6:30 every morning?"

"Why did I bother to get the full baseball package when the DVD player and the Wii are hooked up to the same TV as the digital cable box? Did I really think I was going to watch baseball games on the good TV?"

"Why is golf such a waste of time and money, but there is always time for bingo?"

"How come when there is pee on the toilet seat, all the women in my house blame me?"

"Why is it that when Dad watches a movie and one of the characters is a really hot looking woman, Dad gets in trouble … but Mom can read all the trashy Harlequin Romance novels she wants?"

"How can my wife actually know I'm looking at the gorgeous woman walking down the street when she is driving and I'm wearing very dark sunglasses?"

"Why is it okay for me to have a beer after cutting the grass on a hot summer day, but not after three loads of kids laundry on a Sunday morning?"

"Why is it that the sandwich my wife makes me tastes twice as good as the ones I make for myself?"

"Why is it okay to send my daughters to their rooms for a whole afternoon, but when I lock them in a broom closet for ten minutes, the cops show up? Maybe next time I should take their cell phones away first."

"Why hasn't anyone stood up against these evil breakfast cereal manufacturers putting toy surprises in the box?"

"Why does my black lab prefer the water in the toilet bowl to the fresh water in her dog bowl?"

"How come kids can swim in cold water in a swimming pool until their lips turn blue, but you have to drag them kicking and screaming into a bath tub?"

"Why is summer the fastest season to pass, yet winter seems to last half a year?"

"Why does Michael Jackson have more fans than Neal Armstrong?"

"Why hasn't anybody yet invented a Velcro fastener for socks so they stay together when you wash them?"

"Why does my wife insist on planting so many flowers in our gardens that I'm just going kill from neglect anyways?"

"Why aren't there any professional kick-ball leagues?"

"Why is it that the eighty dollar designer sunglasses I just bought are broken or lost within the first day, but the dollar store pair I bought seem to be made of indestructible material?"

"Why do dogs like to eat kitty litter?"

"If cats truly hate water, then why do they keep falling in the toilet bowl?"

"How come when I was eight years old, my Dad wouldn't let me listen to rock-and-roll because it was music for druggies … but he played Johnny Cash's Folsum Prison album so many times I learned all the words to 'Cocain Blues' ?"

"Since getting our energy from the wind is so popular now, why aren't people putting sails on the motor boats?"

"If we are supposed to be moving towards electric cars that we plug into sockets when we come home every night, how come our power grids can't handle the everyone running air conditioners in July?"

" I think they should have a worldwide championship every year for all the professional sports teams of the world to play against each other."

"How come a beer tastes so much better when you're drinking it with a good friend?"

"Why don't people buy designer pool covers so they can find their houses easier when flying in airplanes?"

"If two wrongs don't make a right, then three wrongs should be a ticket-able offense."

"Why do rich people who live on the lake have swimming pools?"

"If the sun generates enough power to heat the entire planet and make the chlorophyll in all the worlds plants make them green, then why are my solar garden lights so dim?"

"Why is it every time I go to professional baseball game, there is a drunk guy in my section heckling the umpire and players? Is there one in every section?"

"Why is it now that the music I listened to as a kid often sounds like music that only a kid would listen to?"

"How come the solar blanket I cover my pool with to heat the water doesn't melt the plastic pole I role it up on when we go swimming on a hot day?"

"If perpetual motion is an impossible feat to achieve under the earth's gravity, then how come the water that flows over Niagara falls never stops?"

"Why is it the cutest moments of you children's young lives occur when you digital camera is broken? "

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