A Tale Of Two Grandmas

My Mum is up from Pensacola visiting for the next few weeks.

We are very glad to have my Mum up for a visit. We are also very glad to have Darlene’s Mum over when she comes to visit as well. Her family lives on the other side of town.

Both Grandmas are fine ladies. Resposible and dependable.

Last week we were very glad to have the both of them visiting at the same time.

You see, Darlene had to go into the hospital in Detroit for a couple of days to have her nerve stimulator adjusted. And she had to stay overnight. The two Grandmas were going to stay to look after things at home.

Both my Mum and Darlene’s Mum enjoy each others company. They spend most of their time together laughing, although we are not always certain at what.

Since Darlene had to be at the hospital for 5:30 am, we did not see the two Grandma’s before leaving that morning.

As I was sitting in the surgery lounge waiting, I received my first phone call from the Grandmas at about 7:30 am.

“How do you work the can opener?” asked the Grandmas.

“What are you opening?”

“We went to make a pot of coffee and saw we had to open another can. This can is huge, how do you open it?”

I spent probably twenty minutes on the phone using my long forgotten customer support skills. “Hold the can in one hand, the bottom lower than the counter top …” I said, explaining how to open the awkwardly large can.

“Whirrrrrrrrr” came the sound crackling through my cell phone.

“Did it work?” I asked.

“No” said the Grandmas. “The can is spinning but not cutting”.

“Okay, try pushing the …..” I continued. Finally there was success. Finally the Grandmas could make coffee.

And I could return to reading my Mark Twain novel on my PDA.

At about 9:15 am, I received another phone call. It was the Grandmas.

“How do you work the TV?” asked the Grandmas.

We have a satellite tuner below the TV. The tuner must be turned on, the TV must be turned on, and the TV must be set to AV mode (not to channel 3 like our old Cable box). To further complicate the matter, the satellite tuner is plugged into a socket that can be turned off by a light switch. This plug was meant for a light, and I had meant to rectify the problem since discovering it the week before. But I hadn’t yet.

“Is light switch turned on?” I began.

“What does that matter?” the Grandmas answered.

“Well you see the tuner is plugged into the plug that the switch…” I began. Forty five minutes later I heard the sound of daytime TV through the crackle on my cell phone.

“It looks like we’re in business” said the Grandmas.

Around 1:30 PM my cell phone went off again. We had just gotten Darlene into her hospital room after the surgery.

“How do you move the driver’s seat up in your car?” asked the Grandmas.

“My car?” I asked. “Uh .. there is a knob on the side. It’s all power driven. Push it forward it moves up. Push it back it moves back” I said, not knowing where to start or where to go with this explanation.

“It’s up all the way but my feet don’t touch the pedals” replied the Grandmas.

“Well, if you can’t reach the pedals, then you can’t drive my car” I replied, and I snapped shut the cell phone.

Darlene asked “What in the world was that all about?”
I explained that the Grandmas wanted to do some shopping and wanted to use my car.

Darlene took my cell phone and tried to call. The phone was busy.
I tried to call. The phone was still busy.

Around 3:00 PM another call came on my cell phone. It was the Grandmas. They had borrowed somebody’s cell phone.

“We locked the keys in the trunk of your car” said the Grandmas.

“I didn’t think you could drive my car? The pedals were too far back?” I asked – stunned at the new development to a problem I thought was solved by the last call.

“We asked a nice man walking down the street at your house to help us” came the reply. “He was so nice .. and boy did he laugh”.

I bet he did.

“So the keys are in the trunk?” I asked knowingly.

“Yes. We are so sorry”. The explanation followed of how the keys fell into a bag of groceries as the bags were set down in the trunk”.

“Okay, accidents happen. Okay.” I replied. “How are you calling me?”

“We borrowed a phone from another nice man” said the Grandmas.

“And did he laugh too?”

“Why yes, he is still laughing” answered the Grandmas.

“Are any of the car doors unlocked?” I asked.

“Why yes, they all are. But the keys are in the trunk”.

“Next to the steering wheel is a button – left side. Push it”, I instructed.

“Ker-Thunk” I heard the trunk open through the cell phone.

“There are the keys” said a Grandma.

Shortly after, I called home to make sure the Grandmas got home alright. The phone was still busy. That’s when I knew it was off the hook somehow. So I explained to Dar that the Grandmas could not be reached because the phone is now off the hook. I had better get home.

So at 4:30 PM I kissed Darlene and left her in the hospital room to rest.

After crossing the border to come back to Windsor, I made my way home.

My car was safe in the driveway. I walked around it to check for dents or broken lights, scratches or flat tires. The car was in fine condition. I sighed a breath of relief.

When I went into the house, the wireless phone was sitting on the counter. The talk light was still on. I pressed the “end” button and held it up.

“The phone has been off the hook all afternoon” I announced to the two Grandmas. They were playing cribbage and laughing.

“Was it?” they giggled. “We have had such a day” and they started to tell me.

“Oh I know all about your day today ladies”. I replied. “I would have thought by having two experienced Mom’s at home that things would have gone smoothly.”

And we had a lovely night after that.